THE BUREAU.
The world's first and only organization dedicated to the formal identification, appreciation, and documentation of elite-level fat booties. Operating since 2023. Accredited by absolutely nobody.
Shape · Size · Curvature
What is
the F.B.I.?
For decades — possibly centuries — unsupervised booty inspections have been conducted by unqualified individuals with zero training, zero standards, and zero documentation. The public was at risk. The culture was suffering.
In 2023, the Bureau was founded to address what its founders described as "an embarrassing gap in booty oversight infrastructure." The problem was clear. The solution was obvious. The accreditation was… not available.
The Fat Booty Inspector Program was established to train, certify, and credential a new generation of qualified inspectors. Through the Bureau's proprietary examination system, candidates are evaluated on their knowledge, judgment, and commitment to the craft.
Today, the Bureau stands as the world's sole authority on fat booty inspection methodology. That is a low bar. We are aware. We accept it.
TO APPRECIATE.
TO DOCUMENT.
How We Got Here.
A brief, completely accurate timeline of events. Some details have been redacted for national security reasons unrelated to the fact that we made all of this up.
Bureau
Organization.
The Bureau is a complex organization. The following structure chart is a partial declassification. Several departments remain classified. Hover any department to reveal clearance level.
Inspector
Ranks.
All ranks are assigned based on examination performance. The Bureau's judgment is final and also completely made up. Hover any rank to reveal clearance level.
Current
Operations.
The Bureau's operational divisions operate continuously. Below is a partial list of active operations. Additional operations remain classified.
Bureau
Standards.
All certified inspectors are bound by the following standards. Violations result in rank revocation, public embarrassment, and a strongly worded letter from the Community Standards department.
- § 001 Consent is mandatory. All inspections must be conducted with the full knowledge and consent of the subject. This is the Bureau's first rule and its last rule. Everything else is secondary.
- § 002 Credentials are novelty items. Do not present Bureau certificates or IDs as legitimate government identification. Not to law enforcement. Not to bouncers. Not to your parents.
- § 003 Do not self-promote your rank. Inspector rank is assigned by the Bureau through examination. You may not declare yourself a higher rank simply because you feel deserving.
- § 004 Appreciation is not harassment. Bureau-certified inspectors must maintain respect for all subjects at all times. There is a meaningful difference between appreciation and harassment. Know it.
- § 005 No unlawful use of insignia. Bureau logos, seals, and credentials may not be used to impersonate government officials, enter restricted facilities, or claim enforcement authority of any kind.
- § 006 No credentials in federal buildings. Inspector IDs must not be used to attempt entry into federal buildings, courthouses, airports, or any other secured location. We cannot stress this enough.
- § 007 The Bureau accepts no bribes. Rank cannot be purchased, negotiated, or awarded in exchange for favors, currency, or booty of any description. The exam is the only path.
- § 008 This is a parody organization. The Bureau is an entertainment brand. Treat it accordingly. All humor is intentional. All credentials are fictional. All booties are very real.
- § 009 The Bureau is watching. Not in a surveillance way. Just in a general "we care about how our inspectors conduct themselves" way. Represent the Bureau with dignity. Or at least minimal embarrassment.
Corporate
Record.
The Bureau's legal entity information. Filed with the appropriate authorities. All credentials, products, and operations are conducted under the following registered entity.
The
Ecosystem.
The Bureau operates across multiple platforms and access points. All nodes are connected. All nodes are monitored. All nodes are completely unofficial.
This document and all materials associated with the Fat Booty Inspector Bureau have been reviewed by the Classification Committee and formally declassified for public release.
The Bureau is a fictional, parody organization created for entertainment and novelty purposes. It is not affiliated with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the United States Government, or any government agency anywhere in the world.
All credentials, certificates, ranks, and identifications produced by the Bureau are novelty items. They confer no legal authority. They are not valid identification. They should not be used to attempt entry into any facility where real identification is required.
YOUR FILE
IS STILL OPEN.
The Bureau has identified you. Your rank is pending. The only thing left is to take the examination and make it official.
NOVELTY ITEM · PARODY BRAND · ZERO GOVERNMENT AUTHORITY · EST. 2023